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Mar. 25th, 2010

just a girl and a tree


regaining confidence in myself and my body...

My husband and I struggled with infertility for a very long time before finally conceiving. I think this experience has made me lose faith (somewhat) in my body and its ability to birth a baby WITHOUT interventions (trust me, it's very difficult for me to admit this!) I guess I'm looking for advice/similar stories/new friends to help me learn and be confident and not feel so alone!
rambling under the cutCollapse )

x-posted to pregnant, naturalbirth, hospitalbirth & my lj!

Aug. 7th, 2008



Hoping for some reassurance and positive stories

It's been a stressful couple of days here...

I called in sick to work on Wednesday because I was just so far beyond tired...  thought it turned out to be a good plan when I then went on to spend the morning puking.  Turned out to be a damned good plan when I spent the middle of the day in my obstetrician's office waiting to be seen.

After a nap I woke up to some dark brown spotting and freaked.  I'm nearly 17 weeks.

There's been more brown gunk today...  I know I shouldn't be worried because brown blood is old blood and there's no sign of red, and there really isn't a lot of it...  but...  three miscarriages and two and half years to get here, I can't not freak out!

The OB did a scan and an internal yesterday and everything's fine.  The baby's wriggling and moving, heart beating, cervix long and closed, no more blood at that point and no sign of where the bleed may have come from.

I guess I just know of too many people who have had late losses, but I don't know what the warning signs for second trimester losses might be.  Blood?  Cramps?  Or will it happen quietly and we won't know until the next scan (12 days away...  seems an eternity)?

I'm hoping like hell that someone can give me some reassurance.  The OB said I didn't need to worry unless I had profuse red bleeding, but this is still freaking me out.

Jul. 22nd, 2008



Does this make me one of *those* people now?

One thing that bugged me about the public pregnancy announcement at church was what it might do to others who are trying and have no success... But I just couldn't get it into words until after it was done.

There was a time where a huge, public proclamation of pregnancy would have reduced me to tears and had me walking out of church, yet that's what we did.

Does this make me one of *those* inconsiderate people now?

I know that even before hand if someone had been through a history of miscarriage and IVF, it would have made it easier to cope with, but still hard. We gave nothing of our history in that announcement at church, so how would anyone in our boat have known the history to ease the pain of seeing that?

At first I thought that doing the announcement at the evening service would be better... less likely to have infertile couples lurking there than in the mornings, but then I remembered that I stopped going to morning services altogether a while back because of all the babies and pregnant women and how hard it was to cope... so perhaps there could be other infertiles secretly lurking in our evening service and I've just torn their hearts to shreds...

Bugger! I feel like I'm now one of those rude, inconsiderate people and I regret the public announcement now.

Jul. 3rd, 2008



When does the first trimester end?

Still hanging in there...  still feeling just as crazy as before...  Got through a scan at 10 weeks and 4 days and saw that we had a little person-shaped body in there that moves and wiggles!

But today I am 11 weeks and 6 days, and tomorrow I hit the magical 12 weeks mark...  and our next scan is 4 days later.

When do you consider the first trimester to be over?

I was given an information sheet by the IVF specialist at our first scan.  It gives three different ways of counting trimesters.  Judging by development the first trimester ends tomorrow, and the third begins on the 17th of October (which is a date so far into the future I simply cannot comprehend it in terms of being pregnant).  By gestation (divide the 40 weeks of pregnancy into 3 equal sections), the second trimester doesn't begin until July 14th.  By conception (divide the 38 weeks of post-conception into 3 equal sections), I'm not into the second trimester until July 23rd.

I really don't know why it's bugging me so much!  It's not like I'll magically wake up one day and the worry will have stopped and I'll be able to believe that this baby will actually arrive!   Especially with recent events...

Not really sure where I'm going now...  just rambling and need to get thoughts out of my head, I guess.  I find that the reassurance of each scan lasts only about a week, so I'm entering into a decidedly nutty phase right now, which probably won't end until Tuesday.  Adding to that is the fact that school holidays have begun now, so I have just over two weeks to sit and contemplate my pregnancy with very little in the way of distractions.

Jun. 24th, 2008



Update, five months late

I should have done this a long time ago, but it just slipped my mind.

After five years, multiple IUIs and a successful IVF, I became pregnant with our son last summer. In fact, the ER was June 30, almost exactly one year ago. He was due March 22. Like most of you here probably understand, I was sort of on eggshells through the first trimester, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was just hard to accept that something bad wasn't going to happen. And I turned out to be right, though the story has a happy ending.

Sometime over the Christmas holidays I developed pre-eclampsia. I had no symptoms, but just happened to discover that my blood pressure was high. I was out of state at the time, and considered waiting until I got home to go to the doctor, but I got scared and went to the emergency room. They admitted me, and three days later my son was delivered by c-section, at 29 weeks.

He was almost half the size he should have been at 1 pound 15 ounces, but he did very well. He spent just under two months in the NICU and suffered no real setbacks. We finally flew him home to Austin two weeks before his due date, and he's been doing very well ever since. He has a blog of his own here.

If you're interested, my original infertility story was posted to this comm here, and my birth story is here.

Anyone else want to post updates? Hopefully your pregnancies were longer and healthier than mine! :-)

Jun. 21st, 2008



When will the worry stop?

Yesterday I passed the 10 week mark.  I also realised that my morning sickness had been virtually non-existant since Wednesday.  Monday and Tuesday mornings were hard, Wednesday and onwards, everything was fine.  My breasts haven't been as sore - but that could just be that I'm getting used to the new normal...  There'd even been a lack of stretchy type pains in my uterus...  All this has set the alarm bells ringing.

But...  I'm in a pattern of eating that seems to be working for me now.  I'm finding that if I'm not running around like a chook with its head cut off I do have quite sore boobs in the mornings and evenings in particular.  Once I was able to stop the mad flurry of the week on Friday afternoon and sat and rested I was once again very aware of the stretchy type sensations in my uterus...  and more this morning.

When will I be able to relax here?  When will I finally believe that I am actually pregnant and that everything is ok?

Could it be at all reasonable to expect that because I had morning sickness so early on at barely three weeks, that it's also going to vanish earlier as well?

The infernally stupid pregnancy progress emails I get sent from some website or other claim that morning sickness generally doesn't start until weeks 6-8, and that at 10 weeks I should still be fitting into my regular clothing, but perhaps noticing that my waist is thickening.  Can somebody please tell my body that it's doing things wrong?  I haven't been able to wear my normal size 12 pants since I was 4 weeks pregnant.  Some of it was just that they were uncomfortable with pressure and gas bloating, but now the darn zips only do up about half way.  There's definitely been an expansion in the belly area, and it's not yet from weight gain as I'm only 1-2kg up on normal weight, and my size 12 clothing fitted properly at weights higher than this.

Meanwhile...  with news of the deaths of the twins that were neglected here in Australia, the people panicking and worrying about me and my anxiety issues once this baby arrives (if this baby arrives) is becoming extremely scary.

Why can't I be normal?  Why can't I stop worrying that something has gone wrong?

Jun. 15th, 2008



An introduction...

I'm still getting the hang of LJ, so forgive me if I mess up.

Currently just over 9 weeks pregnant after trying for two and a half years.  The last year and a half has been IVF.

We found out really early on that I have PCOS.  We went through metformin (did nothing), clomid (did nothing) and the discovery that my husband has a varicocele and severe male factor infertility.  Motility is complete rubbish, count is low, morphology is low, but reasonable.

We began IVF/ICSI in early 2007.  4 weeks on the pill with severe bleeding the whole time, a failure to respond to synarel, a switch to lucrin, a failure to respond to puregon, a dosage increase and then too much response...  I got very sick with OHSS and we couldn't transfer then, but ended up with four blastocyst embryos in the freezer.

Our first frozen embryo transfer was successful, but we lost the baby shortly after 8 weeks.  Our second FET resulted in a very early miscarriage and the remainder of the embryos failed to thaw.

Our second stim cycle again resulted in me being sick with OHSS.  I spent a week in hospital recovering, a month off work and again no transfer.  We got seven blastocyst embryos this time, but they were all crap.  We only got two transfers - one early miscarriage and one straight negative.

Our third stim cycle...  I was put back on the low-carb, low-GI, high-protein diet from hell, but it made the difference between me hyperstimulating and not.  20 eggs, but apparently a lot of crap this time.  Nearly half were immature, those that weren't didn't want to fertilise for some reason.  We only got three to fertilise properly, so there was no chance of growing to blastocyst this time.  I'd pretty much written the cycle off, and we were planning a break to save more money for another stim cycle (not really thinking much of the two embryos we'd managed to freeze).

But, after a year and a half of hellish IVF treatments, after being told that my only chance of having a successful pregnancy was with a frozen transfer of a blastocyst embryo, I find myself nine and a half weeks pregnant after a fresh transfer of a day three embryo.

Still feeling quite nervous - I'm on a combination of metformin, prednisone and aspirin in order to ensure that we don't have yet another miscarriage, but after two scans (both showing heart beats) and noticing that I've got a tiny little bumplet starting to grow...  things are finally looking good.

Feb. 17th, 2008

Murphy puppy


BC after baby?

Hi everyone.
I am currently 30 weeks pregnant (yay!),due in April. I have endometriosis and got pregnant after trying for about two years. I had my second lap in May of last year, and then we got pregnant through IUI.

I'm wondering what other people did for birth control after their baby was born.  I don't particularly want to get pregnant again right away,  but I am afraid that we will have fertility issues so maybe we should just go for it...I just don't know. My husband wants to wait until we have one baby and see how we feel before we even think about trying for another one, which I completely understand! But I do have fears in the back of my mind about going through the heartache of infertility again. I'm trying to remember that this isn't something I can control, but I still wonder what we will do.

I'm curious- What did you all do?

Feb. 11th, 2008


For an Era of Twins, the End May Be Near - New York Times

Article about twins from fertility treatments:


It was reassuring to read this:

"To start, a younger generation of women may begin having children earlier. Surely, women in their 20s today better understand that their fertility really will wane in their mid-30s, a preposterous-sounding reality that women born before 1975 took as media propaganda designed to keep them in their place."

That is me, born before 1975. I'm so glad to see this in black and white. It's not just me, that's what I was led to believe and now here I am, 38, getting ready for IUI.

Jan. 28th, 2008



So. After my little freakout, I actually took action & got to the bottom of things, instead of feeling sorry for myself & thinking a baby will never happen for me. Yes, I go there with every hurdle (and there are a lot).

Turns out my husband's coverage is much better than mine. Though he also has UHC, the lifetime max is 10,000 (mine is 3,000) & the drugs are covered! Woo-hoo!!

Luckily (I think, don't know how difficult it would be otherwise) he just started this job so he is still in open enrollment & I am being added to his plan today! I am so happy!

Next step is letting the physician's assistant at my clinic know that both Bravelle & Gonal-F ARE covered & setting a date (hopefully next week) for me to attend the IUI class.

Then...next month?


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